Hidden Agression
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Monday, July 7, 2008
wierdness.... is all... just wierd.
i love alot of people, its a shame when one or two things darkens your sky.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
i jsut dont know where i fit in here. its like i put myself out there, to make friends or whatever, and i feel like everyone...
i feel like ive moved forward, and changed, and grown, and done well for myself. healed myself. helped myself.
and when i turn to people, to be my friend, to treat me like i have value.
nothing.
its frustrating because here is my husband, here are his friends and i have nothing.
they want him, and not me, and thats how its always been.
ive been trying for a good seven years to fit into an equation no one wants me in. except maybe alex.
ive been nice, ive been generious, ive listened, and ive bit my tounge for over seven years, and i think its time i truely gave up because if it hasn't happened now, its never going to happen.
i dont want to go back to milwaukee, but i'll do what i have to to protect my marriage.
bye bye life.
goodbye hapiness.
hello lonliness.
but still i say, what can i do to make them like me? i have nothing...
Friday, April 18, 2008
with the coming summer i am in a prime place to live a better life. i love my family and friends, and i really need to step it up and be as present as possible, because im way checked out.
im going to:
lose weigh
get a better job (dildos any one)
take better pictures
expand my education
get smart yo!
waste even less
save even more
spend more time with people whom are worth spending my time with
and now i have a loose check list...
I dont really care about gaining weight right this second because i bought a new bra yesterday and I moved up one WHOLE cup size. All i ever wanted haha.
liz if your reading this, i love you.
mike if your reading this, come home.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
my husband left me a sweet comment a long time back in which he said:
eternal love keeps me soft
when i can not be near you i constantly long for your compassion and companionship.
im a lucky girl. you were right, i would eventually find what was right for me.
Friday, March 14, 2008
im just so tierd of being made to feel bad by other people.
i just want to get the fuck out of here. im so tierd of everyone elses bullshit.
theyre never going to like me because they had no reason to dislike me and they still dont like me. i cant make the impossible possible. and its not on me to take on thier shitiness.
i want to move?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
you and i always had some great talks, that seemed to make sense in really simple terms, you should give me a call some time, we can have one of those talks, and while i know we haven't remained friends these past 6 or 7 years, there was a time when you were one of the best friends ive ever had, and i'm still greatful for that.
i feel so good in life. im thinking positive, i have positive action. intent, execution, and action.
I FEEL SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!
i'm so trill it aint even funny.
im drawin all this good energy, the universe is playin its cards, and i keep beating the dealer.
and im suppossed to.
the secret to hapiness.
good karma good karma good karma fuck yeah!!!
in the words of snoop a loop:
chuch.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
12:13PM
something came up where i realized that people might not see my relationship as me and alex hang out alot because we genuinely like each others company and are good friends. it troubled me to think that people look at my relationship and arent really sure how to call it because not many people like thier spouse.
most people who are married wish they weren't, and so forth.
it's odd. the last few days ive been stuck in the house with alex because we were sick, and i had an awesome time. we watched movies, and listened to music. we made food and played with the dog, and just had a good time doing nothing. we layed in bed all day and night, and it was fun. and i wish it never had to end. maybe im selfish for wanting to hang out with alex all the time, but i see no fault in that.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
i wonder when i will be able to connect my brain back to my body back to my emotions.
i kind of realised alot in the past month, but i have to let it catch up to me...
im back on the buddha band waggon... i dont know i think its the missing piece.
theres nothing wrong with feeling things.
i let myself be marginalized.
mike warren still loves me, and he still considers me his best friend or atleast one of his best friends.
distance and time cannot erase history.
i am not less than anyone else because i dont have cool myspace pictures proving that im cool.
i am not less than anyone else because i dont try really hard to look/act/think cool.
i am not less than anyone else because i dont go out of my way to be scene/seen by anyone.
i am not less than anyone else because i dont blog my brains out.
i am not less than anyone else, but I do allow myself to feel that way.
thunder lizards... unite.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
maybe i have to stop being so critcal on the company i keep and the company i keep...
i just dont think i should have to lower my standards to have friends.
i mean, they are a refelction of myslef, plus why would i hang out with people i dont like?
i do it all the time but...
its a tricky gray area.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
1:08PM
i worry too much about things that will run there course.
so it goes, you will get tired, and i will be here.
i know myself to be the true stimulant.
Friday, January 11, 2008
3:08PM
tiny bits of string too small to use
thats what you got.
and what you will have.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I never thought Id be let down by you but now that Im lookin at the situation, i don't think i want to fix it.
The biggest surprise is my apathy.
I guess I just don't care either way, and I am shocked.
The end of an era. A great friendship.
The greatest tragedy to ever occur in kenosha.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
10:50AM
i picked up a book on understanding and living with panic disorders. It's nice because it helps me to rationalize all these feelings which make me feel out of control. The concept its self is doing wonders, because i can say that is normal this is normal its all apart of this or that and thus i feel less out of control.
i dont like that i have developed agoraphobia though. Something about the size of my house is starting to get to me.
i cannot wait for the snow to thaw. i miss walking my dog. his poor little feet get so cold so quickly and I havent the heart to make him wear rediculus dog boots. I get sad even looking at him. What world could design a dog so small? Who said to themselves, lets make a dog so small he could get killed at any time or any day? Idiots.
Im attempting to learn spainish. Atempting. Im not good with english, how can i start another language?
meh.
lately i feel down but not out. i feel like i can do better, be better feel better. that there is potential to live the live i wish/want/dream of. but what does that mean?? eh, my goals are so superfical i feel.
this summer. me. alex. and i have to figure out a way to get the dog there. sustainable survival out door school.
i feel like im letting alot of people down. a big part of that is being let down with myself.
you win some.
you lose some.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
yeah.
back on the meds.
atleast it will make drinking alot more intresting...
speaking of which, im not an alocholic. but i wish i was.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
3:08PM
is good.
doing good.
tomorrow i get my tooth fixed.
tomorrow i see alela diane (:-P take that mike lives in washington and hasnt moved back yet so he is missing out on probably the best singer ive ever heard, way better than him)
work good.
might be not nannying ever again. EVER. no more kids... the baby i nanny for is entering terrible twos, and her parents think its funny. I never thought Id get such dirty looks from anyone, let alone a 18 month old. im over it.
where is my dog?
I miss you, come home and play me a song.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
hmm... haha
livejournal, oh you!
mike warren, come home. to me. my love calls to you.
so does the chorus of people who want you home.
rambler.
i need to walk my dog more.
meditate...
going to open my own buisness. yea, i will.
life is awesome. its nice to be able to put alot to bed, and move on. i drink my chambor in celebration of life, and not to drown my sorrows $4 a glass. in the company of my friends and customers. ah, the regulars.
AQUA VIDAE!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Man did i get lucky tonight. I won 130 dollars off a quarter.
Friday, June 22, 2007
this year i didnt forget your birthday, but i wish i had.
heavy hearts are hard to carry.
Monday, June 18, 2007
hello, id like you to meet my new best friend, mr bottle, and here's his lovely wife, mary jane.
we bro down daily.
i hope were friends forever.
my ass aint goin to rehab, so someone set aside thier liver.
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